Kimi o
by Erin Ellis
Summary: This short takes place after the series. Hitomi finds herself increasingly uncomfortable with her choice. Short and some say sweet.


Kimi o...

a _Vision of Escaflowne_ story

by Erin Ellis

Yukari-chan left today for America.  
Her parents didn't approve, but didn't forbid her from going.  
Most of our other friends think she's crazy, but she wants to see the man she loves.  
I wonder what they would say if I were to take a similar trip. But oh, how much farther I'd have to go...  
And do I have anywhere to go to?

Three months after my return to Earth, Yukari-chan asked what happened to my pendant.  
"I--" The world behind rippled to black. The smell of fields became strong as a silhouette came into view, the only things visible my pendant around his neck and a pair of white wings sprouting from his back.  
'Van.' My voice caught in my throat. As feathers began to swirl, he gazed at me, in his eyes an offer I could not take, one he only half expected me to consider.  
"Hitomi?" Yukari asked.  
Just as he had so many times before, he gave a sad smile as he faded into the ether.  
"I-- I gave it to a friend," I finished lamely.  
I didn't say the rest, that the 'friend' was much more, or at least would be if I let him. I didn't say that my pendant held the power of destiny; that I gave it away not only as a remembrance of me, but also to shift responsibility from myself; that I was torn between said 'friend' and the life that was becoming increasingly easier to sink back into as Gaea faded into memory.  
I didn't say it, and Yukari didn't question.  
I didn't say it, but somehow he knew.  
He knew, because that was the last time I saw Van.

It's been a year since I first went to Gaea, and that frightens me. My life now is filled with the trials of high school: tests, homework, thoughts of college. The more things I experience here, the more of Gaea seems to be pushed out of my head. Sometimes I wake with the word on my mind, unable to remember what it came from. Other times, the memories swirl with those of today, giving me odd, meaningless visions. Or maybe they mean everything. I don't know. The only thing keeping me from writing the whole thing off to imagination is Van. He appears in my dreams, sometimes fighting, sometimes peaceful, sometimes asleep. Always perfect.  
But that's the only place he appears.  
I don't blame him.  
I can only blame myself. I had thought that coming back would put everything back to normal, make everything right--  
I laugh bitterly. 'Right.' I really was childish. I was given a choice... stay with the one who loved me, or return to my loved ones. It was an awful choice, a terrible choice. A 'no-win situation', the Americans say. I had said my goodbyes to Mother and my friends... my heart was ready... but my mind--  
I wanted-- But I was afraid-- of what exactly I'm not sure. Of leaving home and Japan and Earth for good? Of finding that I could be happy on Gaea? Of Van? Of me?

Have you ever had feelings that were so strong, so overwhelming, that you had to embrace them or drown? Emotions that you craved, but once you received, didn't know what to do with? Sometimes you push away what you want, not realizing that you want it.  
Is that foolish? That's the story of me and Van.  
Van and I never had a formal relationship. We were allies, and friends, and then...  
Then the world ended and was reborn.  
Then we saved Gaea.  
Then he loved me.  
And I... I panicked. When offered a place at the side of the king of Fanelia, I flusteredly declined, mumbling some nonsense about finishing school or saying goodbye to my family.  
The look on his face was so wounded that I had to look away. And while it was only there for a second, in that instant he had looked so raw and vulnerable that I immediately wanted to take it back, to do anything to comfort him. But my tongue wouldn't form the words, and when I looked back, his face was set.  
I wonder if he knows how hard it was for me to leave him then.  
I wonder if he knows how hard it is to be away from him now.

"Hitomi... is anything wrong?"  
I blushed. I've always been easy to read, but I hadn't meant to worry Yukari with my problems. Best friend or no, I'd tried to keep my tales of Gaea quiet. But... the issue had been lying on my heart...  
"Ano... Yukari-chan. Do you... How is Amano-sempai?"  
"Amano?" Her blush met mine. "He's fine, I guess."  
"You guess?" I questioned. "Haven't you heard from him lately?"  
Here, her face shadowed a bit. "No, not in a while," she said dispassionately. "We don't talk that much anymore. There's lots of work to do in college, you know."  
My face fell. "Yukari-chan... I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I thought you still--"  
"We still are friends. More than friends," she asserted. "But... when he moved to America, we decided it would be best for us not to tie each other down. An 'open relationship', he called it." Fiddling with something in her fingers, her head dropped slightly, mahogany hair obscuring her face. "I just wish he hadn't gone to university in America..."

It was a long time before I truly understood my feelings for him. It was different than anything I'd ever felt. With Amano-sempai, it was a giggling, lightheaded schoolgirl crush. I can admit that now. Allen was no different. With Van... when I was with him I felt safe, warm... content. Then he'd do something like open his mouth and ruin it by doing something brash, impulsive, or prideful... it was a long while before I could think of him without wrinkling my nose.  
And now... Now, it's been a long time since I've thought of him without feeling a wrench on my heart.  
I love him. When it counted, I didn't believe it, couldn't believe it, didn't want to accept it. And now I've paid the price.

The silence held a few beats. "Yukari-chan," I offered quietly. "So you've given up?"  
"It's hard to carry on a long distance relationship..." The girl looked up. "But it can work out. We can make it work. I can make it work."  
She spoke with such simple conviction that I couldn't help but believe her. Her words struck a resonant chord in my being. She would do all in her power to keep their relationship from falling apart. She would take control into her own hands. She would change fate.  
And now she goes to America, to Amano-sempai, to her love, following her heart to her new destiny.  
Before getting onto the plane, she said it was I who inspired her to go. She'll never know how she's inspired me...

"What's wrong?" Mother asks, placing her hand on my shoulder. She came with me to see Yukari off. "Miss her already?"  
I sigh, shaking my head slightly. "I wish I could go like her," I say, forgetting who I'm with. I start, turning to Mother but afraid of her reaction. But it's a warm gaze that meets me as I look to her eyes.  
"Feeling the need to go out on your own?" She smiles. "You're growing up, Hitomi. I've always felt that you... you were meant for something different than the rest of us."  
"Mother..."  
She breaks away from me, walking ahead. "Go when you need to. Don't worry about us."  
I don't know what to say.

I think back to Van's call so long ago, his eyes a joyful offer of what could be, a sad realization of what must be.  
Must it?  
Something brushes lightly against my face, rousing me from my thoughts. It is a single feather, white as snow. I hold it to my cheek and gaze wistfully to the sky, to the moon, and past.  
Perhaps the offer still stands.  
Because I'd love to take him up on it.

  
  


_The Vision of Escaflowne_ is copyright Sunrise, TV Tokyo, and Bandai Entertainment, Inc... no infringement intended.


End file.
